DK Blog

Dwelling in the void of Unforgiveness…

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” - Lewis B. Smedes

I came across this quote in my quiet times this morning, and I realized something.  Not only have I not forgiven someone, I hold an out and out right anger towards someone. As I read this, a certain person in my life came up, that when I think of them, I ofter think of the hurt, but also I think of what it would feel like to witness their downfall… Not only do I not wish them well, I wish them failure! But not only that, their failure affects tons of others.  Even others that I DEEPLY, DEEPLY, care about?  How screwed up is that?  That I would desire someone’s downfall, even at the cost of others I care for. This thought scared me and woke me up. That, is a very, very, dangerous place to dwell.  It does things to your heart, your mind, and your soul.  Not only to you, but to the others attached to that person you wish the failure on.  So here I sit trying to justify it as “not really hate” but isn’t that what it is?  When you watch and hope that someone fails? Does this hurt go so deep, have I clung to it so long, that it has planted seeds of hate?  If a sign of true forgiveness is “the power to wish them well”, than what is the opposite of that a true sign of?  

Colossians 3:13 tells us to “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you”

In the past few months, I have seen the ugliness of life, the pain of mistakes, even inside of ministry, and I have seen hurt that just disables people.  But I have also seen glimpses of forgiveness, mercy, grace, redemption.  And while it’s a painful process, there is beauty in it.  In the past few months I have participated freely in giving and receiving forgiveness.  I have watched others “bear each other” and forgive grievances. It has been a wonderful and healing thing.  I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it, I’ve watched it starting to bud and blossom all around me. Like the warm sun ushers in the first signs of spring, I can feel the newness, the cleanliness in the air. And it brings life, and hope and joy.

Yet.  I can’t forgive, I can’t move past something that happened about a year and a half ago.  Why?  Why do I let it fester, why do I let it rear its ugly head, why do I give into it and allow myself the right to want to be vindicated?  Because I didn’t deal with it early when it first came up.  Then, I left the situation, and tried to just forget about it.  But, unforgiveness is like a virus, it sits and waits and feeds, and grows and spreads.  Now it’s in your pride, your ego, your sense of entitlement, it’s in your heart.  YOU deserve to be vindicated, THEY deserve to be proved wrong.  Your pride cry’s out for justice inthe shape of the others downfall.  And it leaves you feeling empty, and hurt.  As you dwell in this no man’s land of unforgiveness.

So my prayer is that God would do some deep, painful gardening.  That he would pull this weed of unforgiveness, no matter how painful, or how deep the roots go.  I pray he would pull it out of the soil of my heart, and in it’s place.  Plant the seeds of being able to truly forgive.  I pray that when I remember this person, I can not only forgive them, but I can wish them well.  That I could pray and long for more and more blessings upon them.  I MUST find that place.  Because only then can I truly begin to grow again in Christ… Once he removes this life choking weed and replaces it with something beautiful.